I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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