First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
