don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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