he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
