Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Found the puke drawer
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
