nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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