Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
