i already hear my dad disowning me
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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