my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
