I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
