I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
