census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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