I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
