i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
