i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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