y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
