K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
