Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize