i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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