i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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