So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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