You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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