There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
