I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
