he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
