I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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