Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
