Pants 0. Shit 1.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
