it hurts more in the daytime
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
