Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
