I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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