Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
this will be a night to untag.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
