Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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