dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
