I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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