i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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