Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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