I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
