Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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