my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
