I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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