Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Randomize
