it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
