I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize