In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
