You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Pants 0. Shit 1.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
