He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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