i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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