got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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