allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
