You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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