I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
