yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
