so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
