I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
