The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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