Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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